Cheers

     The New Year's Resolution. Why?
     Don't let the confetti distract you. It's a subversive plot.
     Oh, yes. Yes, it is. Have a seat.
     Once upon a time, in a land far, far away there were two agents of Misery. Stress and Strife were their names, and they were very good at their jobs. Times were simpler. They broke the flint knives of hunters/gatherers, back-drafted hearth fires filling caves with smoke, and propagated mildew on food stores, but it was a simpler time and they were not overworked. They enjoyed a comfortable run for a long time.
     Our world grew and evolved though, and Stress and Strife had to organize and recruit assistance (or give up earned vacation time). They formed a networking effort of global proportions and employed covert agents everywhere. The agents headed their own departments and were charged with specific tasks. One agent, for example, oversaw havoc in the medical field and everything pertaining to it. This encompassed everything from lowering the accepted age of colonoscopies to flossing to HDL/LDL imbalance. Another was charged with retailing, and instructed underlings to periodically and without warning alter measurements of clothing industry size standards. Yet another was responsible for the financial world and their subordinates hid fees and bounced checks.
     The departments worked like a well-oiled machine to year-end culmination of widespread unhappiness, hypertension, and insomnia. December. The most glorious time of the year for Stress and Strife.
     But.
     It all ended, every year, at midnight on Christmas Day. Christmas night demarcates the DMZ (de-miseried zone), and Stress and Strife's archenemies, Peace and Relaxation, take over. The entire week between Christmas and New Year's Eve belongs to them, and Stress and Strife must watch from the sidelines. Unconcerned About Anything has been a strong ally, assisting Peace and Relaxation to hold the enemy at bay. Year after year, decade after decade.
     As you can well imagine this week had long been a thorn in Stress and Strife's side. They sought to reclaim this lost territory, and the subject came up often. Emergency meetings were frequent with only the one item on the agenda (which was good, because Robert hated Stress and Strife and forbid them to use his rules).
     And so sat the department heads around the conference table at one such meeting. They mulled the same old ideas, such as the December 26th sales which had been implemented a few years back but never managed to pack the wallop Black Friday did.
     They puzzled and discussed, but a solution continued to elude them. Just as the consensus was reached again they'd have to accept defeat this one week a year Anxiety had a brilliant idea.
     "What if," she, proposed,thinking aloud, "what if, somehow, we got people worrying about things that hadn't even gone wrong yet?"
     "What do you mean?" asked Suspicion and Skepticism simultaneously.
     "Well .. we can't make them participate in the misery of life this week, but maybe we can get them worrying about next week. .. make people think about it, and by just thinking about it, in fact, screw up their week .....yes! Yes! With the right marketing we can even get them to look forward to it! Plan to participate in said misery!" Anxiety was so excited she could hardly get the idea out.
     Well, everyone around the table was speechless (in fact, Rumor has it Anxiety got a big promotion that day).
     Obsessed was quick to see where Anxiety was headed and began making lists.
     Fret had logistical concerns. A lot.
     Clutter saw the marketing opportunities; noisemakers, champagne, dumb hats, balls and pennies dropping all at the same time.
     Resolve jumped in and asked, "Yeah, but how do we get them to do it?"
     "That's your department!" snapped Lazy.
     And the New Year's Resolution was born.









original post 12-31-2010

The Trappings of Christmas

   
     Joey, Stevie, and Marvin, the littlest Melton, crowded around the table in the shed, their grubby faces intent upon the metal trap they'd modified, the Little Nipper IV.

     The shed door, askew on one rusted hinge, let little light into the dank hovel they called a clubhouse. The missing glass in the blacked-out window, even less.  They squinted at the contraption, which made them look even meaner than they were. If that was possible. 
     "This ain't gonna work," Stevie said.
     Joey poked at the trap door of the bent wire cage, testing its action. "Sure it will.  We'll set it on its end, put it in the hole, and cover it with leaves. Then, we'll set the bait on top, see?  When she lands, the trap door will give way and she'll fall right in.  The door'll snap shut before she even knows what happened. Slicker'n snot."   
     The spring snapped and the door pinched his finger.  He let loose a string of expletives.  The other boys dared not grin.  He'd have cuffed 'em.  Marvin, the littlest Melton, unconsciously rubbed his ear.
     "C'mon," Joey picked up the trap and his brothers followed him out of the shed.  "Marv, go filch honey from the house, and sumthin' to put it in.  Sumthin little, like a  bottle cap."
     Marvin, the littlest Melton, moved quick to do his brother's bidding, lest Joey cuff 'im.  He unconsciously rubbed his ear.
     Joey lugged the makeshift trap to a sad group of trees in the overgrown empty lot next door.  He set it into the hole they'd dug the day before.  Thankfully, it fit, otherwise Joey might have pitched a fit.  Had Marvin been there he would have unconsciously rubbed his ear.  Joey set the door of the trap and placed loose brush, just so, over the top, careful to leave the door clear.  Stevie gathered leaves and twigs.
     When he finished arranging the brush to camouflage the trap, Joey looked around.  "Where the hell is Marvin?"
     "Right here.  I have the honey. I'm just trying to figure out the puzzle," he said, holding up a Haffenreffer bottle cap with a riddle printed inside.
     "Gimme that." Joey grabbed the cap and the honey and cuffed his brother on the ear.  He set the cap, gingerly, on the trap door and poured a small amount into it. When he was done, he stood and stepped back with his brothers.  
     They admired their handiwork.
     Joey spat, satisfied, and said with a mean grin, "Now we wait."  
     Marvin frowned, and unconsciously rubbed his ear.

(to be continued)

    

Cataclysmic 

 Catastrophic